Trying to Find the Old You After Losing a Child

Life after losing a child is hard work, and life isn't the same. There's a lot that I think about that I didn't think about before. It's been seven months since my son passed, and I was wondering if and when the old me will reappear. I'm starting to feel like the old me won't be returning. 

Some days I feel my business is adding stress to my grief process. At the end of my work day I feel exhausted because I've spent hours putting on a false face, trying to function the same, and keeping my emotions bottled up until I return home. There are certain requests from my clients that I don't fulfill anymore. I feel bad because I can't give them a valid reason. A lot of people like myself feel if you tell someone no, you must give them a reason why you are telling them no. Grief from losing a child should be a good enough reason, but it isn't. Only those who have lost a child understands my type of grief. When I show up to work, my clients see me and I look the same, so they expect the same everything from me, but I'm finding out trying to be the same was causing a lot of stress on me. After taking a stress test, I have decided that I must put my health first. 

I used to be a "yes" type of person to my clients. I've always done my best to accommodate their wants and needs. I always made myself available for them, last minute appointments, working late etc. Not only that, but I was always willing and ready to take on new clients, and it was easy to book me. Now, my mental state doesn't allow me to function on that level anymore. Honestly, I feel horrible when I tell a client no when in the past I would have said yes. After coming home very stressed and in tears, that's when I realized I must accept the new me and not to put pressure on myself.

Since the death of my son, I only accept 2–3 appointments a day. Before he passed, I was accepting 6–7 appointments a day. Although I am working half the hours that I use to work, I am more exhausted. I am learning different emotions are involved with grief and that is what's weighing me down. All of this is a learning process, and I refuse to continue beating myself down because I'm not the same. I love my business, but I noticed some things are starting to wear on me.

My grief cannot be explained or understood if you have never lost a child.